I’ve fallen for another woman, but I’m still ashamed of my sexuality

It can be tough to come out (Picture: Metro.co.uk)

While some people find empowerment by expressing their sexuality, others struggle with assigning themselves a specific label.

This week, we hear from a reader who ended up sleeping with a female friend after breaking up with her boyfriend.

Feelings are deepening and they make each other happy, but she feels unable to be open about her sexuality and is keeping the relationship secret.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s dilemma, from a woman fed up with her boyfriend neglecting her for sports.

The problem…

Since splitting from my boyfriend last summer, I’ve become involved with someone at work. That might sound fairly normal but this person is another woman, and even though gay relationships are no big deal now, I’m struggling to be open about the true nature of our ‘friendship’.

I’m a primary school teacher straight out of university, and was already single when I started work last September. It’s no secret that this is not the greatest work environment to meet guys, but I never worried about meeting someone else as I’m still young and thought it would happen eventually.

One of the other teachers, just a bit older than me, was very friendly from day one. She’s great fun, very pretty, and we both talked a lot about men. She told me about her past relationships and there was never any hint that she might be gay.

We started to socialise and one Friday night, when we’d both had a lot to drink, I ended up staying at her place. She lives in a small studio flat where the sofa turns into a double bed, so there was no choice other than to sleep together.

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I don’t know how it happened, but we started to kiss and one thing led to another. The sex was amazing but we also get on really well, and since then our relationship has grown ever stronger.

There is no doubt in my mind that she’s the right person for me and she feels the same. But still I feel weird and ashamed, and haven’t been able to tell anyone that I’m dating someone of the same sex.

The advice…

Even in 2024 coming out can feel difficult, but it’s seldom as bad as people fear. What are you really worried about? Because you’ve had male relationships in the past, your news might come as a surprise to friends and family, but they will soon come to terms with it.

People who love you will just want you to be happy, and if being with someone of the same sex is right for you, it won’t be long before everyone accepts it.

Telling the people closest to you might feel difficult at first, but pick the easiest – say, a close friend – and take it from there. With each success, you’ll feel emboldened to tell more people.

Leave it to your parents to tell other friends and family members; they’ll probably find that talking to other people will help them process your unexpected news. Meanwhile, don’t leave it too long to introduce your girlfriend, as everyone will be reassured once they see what a lovely couple you make.

If you still find yourself struggling, there is plenty of advice on line about how to break your news. There are also LGBT support groups everywhere, who can offer guidance.

Living with a secret can be tough so lift that huge weight from your shoulders and start being open with people. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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